The Compliment Sandwich: How To Give Constructive Criticism to Kids
We tow a weird offensive line when it comes to constructive criticism. Even when speaking with adults, we often wonder when we should call something out, and when we should let it slide.
And if we do decide to bring up an issue, we wonder how we should do it. We need to communicate the importance and the urgency of the issue… But we also want to do that without being too harsh. Without being too much.
And it only seems to get more complicated when we try to have these conversations with our kids.
We know it’s our job to teach lessons as parents, but most of the time, we really don’t want to. We either dread being met with huffs and eye rolls, or we’re worried we'll actively hurt our kid’s feelings.
So we tend to soften the blow. We say things passive things like, “Hey could you maybe do this next time?” and in doing so, we fail to communicate the importance and urgency.
We’ve also given our child a choice in the matter, when we didn’t really mean to. Yes, they could maybe do that next time. Or…they could maybe not. We’ve essentially left the constructive criticism and the changed behavior up to them.
And that’s not going to fly either, because people are - by nature - creatures of habit. When presented with the option to do something or not to do something, it is 100% easier to not do something. Which is why most of us usually choose not to.
So how can we deliver constructive criticism in such a way that’s both gentle and effective?
Can’t there be some kind of magic script or formula to help us communicate with our tiny humans?
I’m glad you asked.
We’ve found that the trick to delivering constructive criticism, specifically to young children, lies in these 3 things:
The Tone
The Phrasing
The Ratio
1. The Tone
We’ve all heard the saying… It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
That’s essentially what we’re talking about here.
If you use a calm and gentle tone to say, “Hey, kiddo, you really need to clean your room tonight,” you are are simply communicating that you need the room clean. You aren’t mad, and you aren’t being mean. You just need the room clean. “Sure mom,” your kid might say. Or, “I have a lot of homework tonight, can I do it tomorrow?”
However, if you used an aggressive and sarcastic tone to say the same thing, *big huffing sigh*“Kiddo, you really need to clean your room tonight,” you aren’t just communicating that you need the room clean. Instead, you’re communicating that the room isn’t clean, you’ve already asked 12 times, you’re really mad, and you see your kid as a failure for not doing what you asked them to do the first time.
Even if that’s not necessarily what you meant (or it was… no judgement), that’s what you’re communicating to them regardless. That’s the message your kids are receiving.
Even when you’re saying the same words, you’re telling them different things. So be aware of the tone you’re using with your kids.
2. The Phrasing
So yes, we’ve unpacked the phrase It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
But now I’m going to modify it.
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
It is what you say, and it’s how you say it.
Yes, tone matters. But it’s not the only thing that matters.
“Please chew with your mouth closed,” is a lot different than, “Dang buddy, you think you could chomp any louder?”
Yes, there is a difference in tone. The first is likely delivered calmly and gently, and the second is likely delivered forcefully and sarcastically.
But there is also a difference in phrasing. The first focuses on the behavior you want to see (chewing with the mouth closed), while the second focuses on the shame of what your child is doing wrong (they are a loud chomper).
This is almost the same thing, but not quite. And you will absolutely get better results if you focus on the positives. Do your best to always choose phrases that are centered around what you’d like to see from your children, rather than phrases centered around everything they’re doing wrong.
3. The Ratio - Use the Compliment Sandwich
This right here is the secret sauce.
Have you ever had a boss that only focused on things you were doing wrong, things you weren’t doing well enough, or the things you hadn’t yet completed? What if that same boss never offered any compliments, or validation, or encouragement, or support?
You would feel useless. And you would never, ever feel like doing anything more for that boss.
Well… That’s how our kids feel about us when we are constantly asking them to do things more, or do things differently, without ever giving attention to everything they’re doing well. That’s why our ratio has to be correct.
We recommend using a 2:1 ratio. For every piece of constructive criticism you give, you should be giving 2 compliments or reassurances - one before the constructive criticism and one after.
Think of it like a sandwich.
Every sandwich needs a bun, one on the top and one on the bottom. But the meat is the main attraction.
The meat/middle is what makes the sandwich so good. It’s also what makes it so special. It’s the difference in a turkey sandwich, or a meatball sub, or a classic ham and cheese.
I want you to think of your constructive criticism like the meat of this sandwich. It’s the thing that’s so important for you to say. It’s what’s going to make this conversation special - a lesson worth learning.
But sandwiches get messy without a bun, just like your conversation will if you don’t pad your constructive criticism with the right ratio of compliments.
So let’s build us a compliment sandwich together shall we? Let’s pretend we just moved to a new city, and your kids are suddenly never home. You’re super happy they have friends and all, but they aren’t respecting your family boundaries. They’re skipping family meals, missing family celebrations, and often coming home from friends’ houses later than you’d like. You only have 18 short years with your kids, and you’d like to see them for part of it.
And so, we begin with our first bun.
1. Bun = Opener Compliment
Begin with a genuine compliment towards your child, and make it something that relates to what you're going to constructively criticize. This takes away the negative connotation and makes them more receptive to what you're about to ask of them (and less defensive).
For example, if you’re going to tell your kid you need them home a little more often instead of hanging at their friend’s house all the time, you could say something like, “Hey kiddo, I’ve noticed you’ve made so many new friends since we first moved here. That is so great!!”
Then move into the meat.
2. Meat = Constructive Criticism
Deliver your constructive criticism with careful phrasing and a gentle tone.
This allows you to suggest what you need to suggest without making it seem like you're angry or upset about it (even if you are).
This is your moment to say what you need to say, without coming across like the angry, dictator-y parent you fear of being. For example, “I feel like we never see you anymore. Maybe you could invite your new friends over here sometime, so that you’re home a little more often.”
I would encourage you to pre-think of a compromised situation like the one above. Notice, we haven’t asked our kids to quit hanging out with their friends altogether. Instead, we have asked for them to hang out with their friends in a different way so that we both have what we need. Your kid needs time with friends, you need them home more…Boom. With this suggestion, we have solved both.
This works because we are focusing on the behavior we want to see from our children, rather than simply the behaviors we want our kids to stop doing.
It can be easy to fall into a strict parenting trap here - wanting things to be done our way, or no way at all. So many of us have to loosen our reigns a little. Consider, what do you need your kids to actually do?? Do you actually need them to stop hanging out with friends, or do you just need to see them a little more often?
If it’s the latter, you need to phrase your constructive criticism in such a way that communicates that expectation. Remember, a strict parent forces their children to meet their expectations the way they want them met. But an effective parent establishes their expectations in such a way that the child has multiple avenues to achieve.
And once you’ve done that, you can conclude with another compliment.
3. Bun = Closing Compliment
Close with another compliment to seal the deal.
This reminds our children that the constructive criticism was nothing personal. They aren't failing at anything, you aren’t mad, and they aren’t in trouble… there's just something they could do to make things a little better.
For example, “I’d love to meet your friends, because I’m sure they’re as awesome as you are!”
Having these compliments to balance the weight of the constructive criticism really works to soften the blow. Parents find that their children are less sensitive and defensive to constructive criticism when it’s delivered in this way, and this ultimately makes them more responsive to what you’re actually asking them to change or modify.
When we use the compliment sandwich with gentle tones and mindful phrasing, we can easily deliver constructive criticism to our kids without being so intimidated by their potential reaction.
