Ways to Reverse Your Child’s Negative Self Talk
Key Points
Negative self-talk can lead to low self-esteem, low confidence, & low self-worth over time.
Knowing how to respond when we hear negative self-talk from our kids is crucial.
With the right strategies, we can eliminate negative self-talk from our child’s inner dialogue.
We can help our children identify the root causes and emotions, brainstorm potential solutions, praise the process, and model healthy & positive self-talk in our own homes.
Phrases such as, “I can’t do this,” “I’m stupid,” or “I’m no good,” are things we never want to hear our child say. It can be discouraging (and sometimes a little frustrating) to hear our children speak to themselves this way.
Left unchecked, these statements pave the way for low self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth, so knowing how to respond to these statements is crucial. The good news is, with increased awareness and the correct strategies, we can reverse our child’s negative self-talk once and for all.
Identify what your child is actually feeling.
When our child tells themselves they are “stupid,” “dumb,” or “no good,” everything in us wants to counter. Our gut reaction is to blurt, “No you’re not,” or “You know that’s not true…”
The issue is, they probably don’t believe you. Clearly, they believe that about themselves, at least in the present moment, because they cared enough to vocalize it. It’s either a deep-rooted belief or a cry for help.
Instead of immediately countering our child, try to get inside their head. “Stupid,” “dumb,” and “no good,” are not emotions, so what emotions are driving those thoughts? Why did they just say that about themselves? What feeling has them believing this is true?
Help your child pinpoint this root emotion.
“I can see you getting frustrated.”
“I would be sad if my friend called me stupid, too.”
“It’s easy to feel discouraged when things get hard.”
Identify the root cause.
If you’ve pinpointed the root emotion of the negative self-talk, it’s time to identify the root cause. What happened to make your child feel this way?
Simply ask your child outright, or narrate it after you help them locate an emotion.
“I can see you getting frustrated. Which part of the homework is so challenging?”
“I would be sad if my friend called me stupid, too. Why do you think they would say that to you?”
“It’s easy to feel discouraged when things get hard.”
Solve the Problem.
Once you’ve identified what is making your child feel a certain way, we can work toward solving the issue. Now, the questions shift from “how are you feeling” and “what happened to make you feel that way”.
Now, we’re asking, “What can we do about that?”
Assist your child in solving their problem by prompting them to find and execute solutions:
“I can see you getting frustrated. Which part of the homework is so challenging? Let’s break it down in steps so it isn’t so overwhelming.”
“I would be sad if my friend called me stupid, too. Why do you think they would say that to you? What would you prefer they call you in the future?”
“It’s easy to feel discouraged when things get hard. How can we try this a different way next time to get better results?”
Praise Efforts, Not Successes.
We run into trouble when we constantly praise our children for the things they have accomplished. It’s never a bad thing to celebrate success, but when it’s all we’re celebrating, our kid’s brains are bound to get confused.
If they only receive praise and reassurance when things go right, what happens when things go wrong? How might they feel when they are struggling, working hard, but reaping no reward?
Discouraged. And they’re more likely to give up.
Instead of praising your child for the outcomes of their efforts, focus on drawing attention to the efforts themselves.
Instead of:
Congratulations! You won your basketball game!
Great job, straight-A student!
Try:
You played so hard at your basketball game today! I loved how you never gave up.
Look how much you’ve been learning at school! It’s so cool to see how you use what you’ve learned to do new things!
Model Positive Self-Talk.
As parents, we often fall into the trap of believing we have to have it all together so our kids will feel safe, secure, and loved. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Parents who open up about their failures at home teach their kids that failure is a natural, and inevitable part of life. Failure is nothing to be afraid of, and it does not influence your identity. Instead, it is there to help us learn and grow.
Parents who model positive self-talk despite their failures teach their kids to do the same, so do some reflection today:
When things don’t go quite right in your life, do your kids know about it?
When you get upset or discouraged, are your children privy to this knowledge?
How do you openly react and respond at home when things don’t turn out the way you thought they would?
Are you kind to yourself in your own self-talk?
Do you auto-correct when you find yourself speaking negatively?
Knowing how self-talk sounds in your own head can be a good indicator of what your child has been taught to tell themselves. Though it’s the hardest calling, we have to be the example we want to see in them.
Worried something deeper is going on?
At its core, negative self-talk is a normal aspect of emotional development and can be addressed in the home. Sometimes, however, it can be indicative of a learning disability or a specific mental health struggle. Be on the lookout for negative self-talk that is:
persistent and pervasive.
not based in reality. (Ex: Your child gets invited to play but is still distressed that no one likes them.)
impacting your child’s friendships or schoolwork.
impacting your child’s appetite / sleep.
linked to illness (Ex: Your child often states they don’t feel well even though they never have physical symptoms.)
